Sticks of Fire: a Tampa blog

I have told you that if you want to know any part of the Tampa Bay area, all you gotta do is Ask a Tampan. Well, someone did:

Ok, I’ll cut to the chase. My wife and I are middle-aged professionals looking for some hot times in the summertime; our youngest will be in band camp from July 16-21 and we want to getaway. We aren’t swingers (yet?) but are looking for adventure. Are the str*p clubs worth a flight from Greensboro NC? Will we have a good time, or just be ripped off? ‘Course we will be enjoying more conventional stuff as well (good restaurants, etc.) but want what William James called a “moral vacation” as well.

Tampa? Or elsewhere on the planet?

Dirtyoleman

Band Camp? Heh.

I checked with the Tampa Visitors’ Bureau, and they had no suggestions. Even the new Digital Visitor Guide reveals nothing about your request. No matter. We’ll do our best to find these things for ya.

Editor’s note: as you might guess, the rest of this deals with content that may make some people uncomfortable. Most links are NSFW (not safe for work). Also, Sticks of Fire makes no assurances to the morality, viability, safety or legality of any of the below. In other words, try it if you want, but we are not responsible for any unintended consequences. Hell – we’re not even responsible for intended consequences.

Back to the question: An online search revealed revealing revelations with plenty of photos. Two sites with nearby locations (Night Moves, Illusions) also claim to be friendly to newly experimental folks, but I have heard both of these do quickly turn into a high-pressure situation.

However, all is not lost. I checked with our local unabashed and brazen ex-blogger, InterbaySuperStar (regulars may know her as rachel*) to see if she had any suggestions for you. Here’s what she came up with:

“Hot times” is pretty broad; however, in general, I would advise:

1. Traditional sw*nging (see Night Moves, Illusions above) can turn into a bunch of skeezy, unoriginal suburbanites *real* quick. You might be better off exploring activities that involve experimentation, group efforts or trade-offs that don’t get into all the key-party stuff. I’m not trying to be judgmental here; I am simply pointing out that our friends can probably satisfy their curiosity with an exciting smoothness that I just don’t think they’re gonna find wife-sw*pping out in Lutz or Northwest Tampa or something.

2. The Azalea Lounge on Florida Ave. gets a hot crowd of young people on a Thurs. night that will be easy to pick up if you just want a couple people to go to a nice downtown hotel with you, but dress trendy and be ready for some dark, hard-driving house music. The Azalea is not a sw*ngers place at all - it’s just a club - but the right attitude is definitely there if they want options without feeling like they can’t step back or change their game.

2b. Other good places to try this tactic are Jackson’s on Harbour Island on a Friday or Floyd’s at the Hard Rock Cafe (but NOT the casino floor) on a Saturday. Scope by twelve. Approach by one. Flirt accordingly, seal the deal before two. Anything after that guarantees impaired judgment. These are places where good-looking party people who can afford a sweet hotel room will converge.

3. Check out Tampa B*kk*ke online beforehand. They are a club of middle-aged *rgy participants. The site is incredibly graphic, and the members are decidedly average-looking - pot-bellies, ungroomed body hair, unshapely racks - but they are welcoming, easy to contact and, um, open.

4. Str*p clubs follow these general rules: Tampa lets the girls get totally n*de, but you can’t drink. Pinellas County keeps the p*nties on and the drinks flowing. There is nothing fabulous to say about str*p clubs in regards to really pushing the envelope UNLESS (and I think this is a great idea), Mrs. DirtyOleMan were to participate in an amateur night. Then, they could satisfy an exhibiti*nist urge or two and maybe get a free bar tab out of the deal.

5. If they want to try something that affords a little more privacy, Executive Lingerie Modeling on Kennedy and Armenia is right near a lot of cool bars, restaurants and clubs, and they can fool around a little in the booth while they get a show.

6. The Todd. In the daytime.

7. Do NOT videotape yourself unless you are really, really good-looking. I know way too many people who were very sadly disappointed to realize they feel hot and, well, that’s it. (Luckily, I don’t have that problem, but I hear it sucks.)

Well. There you have it. Best of luck, and please let us know how everything turns out, would ya?

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