l’shana tova tikatayvu. b*tch.
kateAny Heebs in the house? This one’s for you.
Every year before Rosh Hashanah, synagogues send out tickets to members for High Holy Day services. Included is usually a letter that lays out the rules and regulations for attending such services. Below please find the letter I received - with a few additions in bold.
Dear Members and Guests:
Enclosed are your non-transferable tickets for the High Holy Day services. We’re not kidding. Cousin Louie cannot pass for your son. Not since his teeth started falling out. Tell him to purchase his own godd*mned ticket. Please bring your tickets to each service and present them to the ushers at the door. Don’t make us pull a Mossad on your ass. No will be admitted without a ticket. This isn’t a charity, people, and none of you are displaced refugees anymore. Anty up or stay home. If you don’t have a ticket with you, you will be asked to see the Office Administrator, at the Lobby check-in desk, for entry. That happened last year to Bernie Sinkowitz and he’s still on medication. We will put you in the Kiddie Room and take pictures to be circulated at Erma Finklefraub’s Coffee Klatch next month. Gotta talk about someone, might as well be you. Tickets are not required for children under the age of eighteen entering with their family. Except for sixteen year-old Esther Greenberg who always shows up with new piercings and a goyim boyfriend - she’s not getting in this year.
We remind parents that children need to remain with their family unless reservations have been made with our sitter service. The sitter this year is Cantor Al’s daughter - the one with the deviated septum - who will ignore your children and smack her gum all morning. What do you want for $2 an hour? The ushers have been instructed to return any children wandering the halls to their parents. If we have to sit through a nine-hour service, they do too.
Enclosed with your tickets this year is your new synagogue parking sticker. Please affix it to the front windshield of your car. This sticker will entitle you to park in our parking lot, based on availability. It will also entitle you to dirty looks and rude comments when attending garage sales in Plant City. So good luck with that. Arrangements have been made to use the parking lot at the Mormon Meeting Hall adjacent to our property for overflow parking. Enough with the polygamy jokes. They’re our friends this year. If you park in the Mormon lot, please respect their property and do not smoke when on their grounds. In turn, they promise to stop throwing leftover shrimp kebobs on our lawn. Everybody wins.
At Kol Nidre service the doors will close promptly at 8pm until the completion of the Kol Nidre prayer. Cause nothing shows the love of the Lord more than praying under lock and key.
In keeping with the decorum of the service we remind you to please turn off pagers and cell phones before entering the building. That means you, Dr. Klein. Loudly discussing a patient’s adverse reactions to augmentation on your cell phone is inappropriate. Let us enjoy a good Shofar blowing in peace.
At the conclusion of Yom Kippur services on Monday, October 2, you are cordially invited to attend a modest Break the Fast of challah, wine and juice cause nothing satisfies starvation like stale bread and sugar-saturated wine.
On behalf of the Board of Directors, we look forward to greeting you at High Holy Day services, reminding you about unpaid dues and critiquing your clothes and kids.
L’Shana Tova Tikatayvu. B*tch.
Here’s hoping we all are inscribed in the Book of Life before it slams shut and we’re sh*t out of luck.
***cross-posted at Out in Left Field***
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September 21st, 2006 at 9:20 am
I was going to read all of this, but I was distracted by the Frederick’s ad.
September 21st, 2006 at 11:50 am
I read this the first time and thought oh my… ovey was really what I was thinking. Then I had to re-read it again, and I ponder… I am a CEO Catholic (Christmas and Easter only) but I have a feeling if I wrote something like this, I would be on my knees for eternity. Any repercussions?
September 21st, 2006 at 12:11 pm
You mean, like, do I think I’m going to go to hell? Or do you mean repercussions from other Jewish people?
September 21st, 2006 at 12:12 pm
Think of it this way: If the Good Lord didn’t have a sense of humor, we really would have hell on earth. Personally, I’d be more offended about needing a ticket to attend a service than a note like this.
September 21st, 2006 at 2:32 pm
funny girl!
September 23rd, 2006 at 12:51 am
According to Stephen Colbert, this is the time for Jews to make apologies to those they’ve wronged in the past year. (Yes, I’m learning about the Jewish faith from a Gentile comedian; what of it?) Does anyone in your temple read your blog? If so, you’re in big trouble!!