Sticks of Fire: a Tampa blog

Merry Christmas to you!

OR: Eight things that annoy me (and should annoy you too) about Christmas

I’m not one of those people who hate Christmas, but certain aspects of the holiday season do get on my nerves. Ok, here we go, in no particular order:

1. Remaking Christmas songs – I don’t know why but every so-called pop star is required to record at least one Christmas song, if not an entire album. And for some other unknown reason, they always feel compelled to go out of their way to make the song their own, like they’re creating the definitive version of a song that’s already been recorded at least 300 times. You can almost hear them saying “Suck on that, Bing Crosby”. This is usually accomplished by altering the tempo slightly and piling on heaping scoops of unnecessary, elaborate vocal flourishes featuring lots of “whoa-ho-ho-ho” and “me-heh-heh-ree-yeah chree-ee-ee-ee-ee-st-may-aaaaas” nonsense which just makes everything a big mess, sort of like a cargo plane pilot doing barrel rolls just to show he can.
2. Year end lists – I don’t need VH1 or Time to remind me what a wacky year it’s been. Whatever “it” is, I either remember “it” already on my own or I’ve intentionally forgotten “it” on purpose because “it’s” not worth the storage space in my brain required to remember “it”. Besides, I already told you back in February that the Story of the Year would be the Astronaut Love Triangle. Sex, astronauts, diapers, scorned lovers, a cross-country quest for vengeance and diapers. Nothing could possibly top that. Not “Chocolate Rain”, not the litany of Britney Spears shenanigans nor even the recent harmonic convergence of a Tampa Bay troika of trollops with Debra Lafave, Jessica Sierra and former Wharton High School basketball coach Jaymee Wallace all occupying what seemed to be the same 15 minutes of sex scandal and poor judgment fame at the same time. Not even Larry Craig. Ok, maybe Larry Craig.
3. Online Greeting Cards – When you virtually care enough to hit send. Gee, how thoughtful. I’ll cherish this for up to 30 days.
4. Misleading Christmas words – Not only is fruitcake terrible, unlike it’s two delicious primary components (fruit and cake) but mistletoe, which could be the most awesome nickname ever for a punter (basically by default, since nobody bothers to bestow nicknames on punters) has nothing to do with missiles or feet. Also frankincense has nothing to do with Boris Karloff.
5. Making up new words to “The 12 Days Of Christmas” – For whatever reason, people don’t seem to understand that merely changing the words to what is easily the longest, most boring and annoying Christmas carol ever doesn’t render any of those negative attributes void. No, they’re too busy congratulating themselves for cleverly coming up with “The 12 Days Of (where they work/their family/their favorite TV show/something else they think is important here)” to get that. They also expect you to be suitably impressed with their cleverness. And, since it is Christmas, you’re sorta morally obligated to act like you are or else you’re a Grinch or a Scrooge (see #7).
6. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” – Back to the subject of pop singers and Christmas music, this song begat Band Aid which begat USA For Africa which begat “We Are The World” which begat that smug “yeah, we got this” thumbs-up from Lionel Richie that makes me hate charity every time I see that video.
7. Sexy Santas – The coalescence of two things that normally bring me great joy, but for entirely different reasons, Santa Claus and scantily clad women, confuses and frightens me. Please stop it.
8. Being called Scrooge or Grinch for complaining about Christmas – Christmas as we know it now has been celebrated for hundreds of years. There are dozens of traditions, hundreds of movies and countless songs about Christmas…but you’re telling me there are only two derogatory terms for people who aren’t into it? How is that possible? We deserve, and should demand, more Christmas insults!

Merry non-annoying Christmas, everyone.

(Cross posted at Ridiculously inconsistent trickle of consciousness

Some of you know I send out a holiday CD every year featuring goofy songs I write. This year’s CD, which is en route around the world and most certainly will not arrive by Christmas, features a track I wrote just for all of you fans of the Sticks. Longtime readers will find all kinds of fun treasures amidst my lame attempt at rapping (and yeah, Tommy, I know you wanted to be a part, but I haven’t been able to leave my house in a few weeks due to working on holiday stuff). All apologies to Run-D.M.C. for ripping their groove.

So, folks, here we go. Share with anyone you like. And happy holidays.

Christmas In Pinellas (2:42)

• lyrics
• mp3
• m4a

There are certain trap game situations every team should be aware of, one of those being the situation the Bucs are going into on Sunday. Tampa Bay has clinched the NFC South, are guaranteed a home playoff game, and have little to play for. Fortunately Jon Gruden can play the respect card what with the Pro Bowl “snub” of the Bucs players (even if they weren’t really snubbed).

BY THE NUMBERS (DVOA explained here)
Buccaneers
Offense: ppg, 20.9 (#18) - DVOA, 11.0% (#9)
Defense: ppg, 16.6 (t#1) - DVOA, -12.2% (#3)
49ers
Offense: ppg, 13.6 (#31) - DVOA, -12.2% (#32)
Defense: ppg, 23.2 (#22) - DVOA, 14.9% (#31)

The 49ers suckitude has been overlooked this season for Eastern time zone teams like Miami and Atlanta (East Coast bias strikes again!) but by the Football Outsiders stats they are the worst team in the league. This game has all the makings of a blow out as the 49ers are down to starting 3rd string quarterback Shaun Hill, who is making just his 2nd start ever.

Random Stat of the Week: 1883
As in 1883 kickoff returns without a touchdown return in the history of the franchise until Michael Spurlock made history. (Although there is disagreement over the exact number.)

Over-Played Story of the Week: Garcia Going Back to the Bay
We get it, Jeff Garcia is a San Fran area guy. Where was all this sentimentalism when the 49ers ran Garcia out of town?

Cheerleader of the Week: Maki
We here at the Sticks are all about multi-nationalism which is why I present Tokyo import Maki, a cheerleader with the 49ers. I wonder if she was one of those Goth-Lolita girls in Tokyo?

YouTube Clip of the Week: 49ers Rap
Ronnie Lott and Jerry Rice’s response to the Bear’s Super Bowl Shuffle. God help me if the Bucs ever do anything like this.

Bucs Blog of the Week: BucStats
Scott from the Don’t-Call-Me-A-Blog Buc Stats blog points out another instance of Bucs being snubbed, the ‘76 Buccaneers.

St. Pete Times: Hillsborough is lagging behind the rest of Florida in switching to a new voting system and wasting time needed to test the machines, work out any bugs and train staff and volunteers before the state’s fourth-largest county goes to the polls.

Previously:
Elections office employees told to keep yap shut
At best, Buddy Johnson is an idiot

The St. Pete Times says that accidents involving motorized scooters are on the upswing.

The story came on the heels of a truck running into a scooter in Largo, when 84 year old Jack Schaffer was killed while trying to cross six lane Missouri Av. Cops say Mr. Schaffer was not in a crosswalk, but the family is trying to find witnesses to the accident:

Wanted: Witness to accident that killed my Dad in Clearwater

On wed. 12 dec 2007 at 2:15 in the afternoon my dad was hit and killed by a Brown GMC pickup on Missouri Ave. Just south of Rosary in front of the Burger King. He was crossing the road on his scooter. I would like for anyone who saw the accident to make a statement for my family. Thanks very much.

If you happened to be there when it happened, contact the family.

Got a new poll up here at Sticks — and you best be quick to vote, because those shopping days are counting down to a precious few! What does Tampa Bay want for Christmas?!

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Before you jump ahead and vote for OTHER because you got no clue why we’d suggest a train set, a fruitcake and a new baseball glove as gifts — these responses are all allusions to other things.

A train set, of course, is alluding to mass transit and rail. A gift card? A stronger economy. Fruitcake with less nuts? Well, seeing fruitcake is a tough holiday treat to swallow as is — we’re talking about government there. “Less nuts” should seem obvious.

Lego blocks? Development. A new hockey stick? Anyone paying attention to the Tampa Bay Lightning’s woes this season will understand the reference. And baseball MITT? Something that surrounds the ball itself — we’re talking stadium…

Of course, there are other allusions for local wants and needs out there that we can’t even begin to imagine — thus the OTHER selection. We’d love to hear your ideas in comments.

Tampa City Councilman John Dingfelder’s analysis of city employees who might face layoffs next year shows more than 70 percent of the people affected are either black or Hispanic, and sees no reason for the City to cut spending.

A Tribune Editorial says Dingfelder is living in a financial fantasy world, and that outsourcing janitorial and security work is the way to go.