Sticks of Fire: a Tampa blog

It’s that time again.

Every four years there are several people who come to me for a job. Well not only me, but I am one of the few people who take the selection process seriously. Not as seriously as some people take voting for American Idol or the Last Comic Standing, though. Hey, no one is perfect.

This year I have a cornucopia of people to choose from. It seems that everyone wants to work for me. We have a Mormon, a middle-aged woman, some guy with a Islamic middle name, and two people who tend to give me their resume more often than I have given mine to Creative Loafing (passive aggressive attempt number 4). There’s also a cross dresser, and let’s not even discuss Fred Thompson’s deal.

I have a few pointers for the job applicants.

I hope I have caught you early enough so that you don’t make any dreadful mistakes. Let’s start with the obvious. I know that this must come as a great shock to some of you.

If you have applied for the same job every four years for over a decade and have yet to get hired then you will not get hired unless A) the rapture happens, B) Paris Hilton wins a Grammy award, C) Michael Richards wins the NAACP image awards and D) Mel Gibson gives a speech on behalf of the anti-defamation league - upon the steps of Anne Frank’s House. Don’t worry, you can always sell Viagra later.

If you are a republican and you have worn more dresses than Benny Hill and RuPaul combined and you live in New York you are One Crazy Bastard. I can’t say that you would lose. I will say that you can get a job at any Mac cosmetics counter anywhere in the continental U.S

If your name is Hillary Clinton - you voted to outlaw flag burning? - You voted for a war (mistakenly)? and every one of your public appearances seem as though you are condescending or simply bothered by your future employer, lets just say that the Decider is more elect-able than you are right now.

The Jury is out on Barack and his fuzzy math. And thus far no-one has been caught having sex with anybody’s intern. And noone has disappeared mysteriously. Except Chris Dodd’s chances of winning.

I am hopeful some of you will get the bugs out. Or just leave quietly. I am looking at you, Tommy Thompson. And you Mr. Richardson.

Don’t worry, Hillary. I don’t burn flags. I do burn job applications, though.

I am in a sour mood. I am sure it is a great shock to a great many people in the bay area that I am upset. I mean, after all, this is Bob Hite’s last year on the air and hell the indictments on republican elected officials are soaring, and the lovely Gayle Guyardo is expecting some breaking news.

All this excitement has a downside. We in Tampa bay are in the midst of severe budget cuts. With our dilapidated school system, and pathetic transportation system, as well as the fact that I can’t find Jane Austen in some of the branches in our local libraries. And not to mention the shortage of accountability in my local government. There are going to be cutbacks.

As luck would have it I got a C- in accounting while attending the public school system in Connecticut. That would mean I would be in the Tampa bay chapter of Mensa. I kid, I kid the poorly educated. I have a surefire way of balancing the budget without having people lose their jobs or we - the citizens of Tampa bay - going without some valuable services.

MAKE BITCHES PAY US BACK.

Centro Ybor owes us a great deal of money. And the Tampa bay Buccaneers owe us money. Trump tower is not even close to being built and they owe us a truck load of money. What have we gotten in return for this? At least poor people have to wait in line for their welfare checks and food stamps. We have gotten almost none of our money back. When I borrowed 200 dollars from my Father (this is the man who loves me and raised me), that guy made me pay him back with interest and did not leave me alone till he got it.

STOP THE PIPE DREAM

We have a “spin straw into gold” we have put a great deal of money time and effort into this. While Al Gore hems and haws about global warming I get to see two smoke stacks billowing clouds darker than the dungeon in Dick Cheney’s basement. Tampa Bays one and only non-working desalinization plant is a complete waste of time, energy and just downright unhealthy. You know how many copies of sense and sensibilities that could buy?

SALARY CUTS

No, not the janitor. I am talking about the top down!!! That’s right. Some of you people have to come off with some dough; how many homes and businesses does Rose Ferlita own? You people do not need that much money - especially when the books I want are not in the library.

CONSERVE ENERGY

I have been inside my share of police vehicles. And I have seen my share of them waiting for me to do something wrong (I never disappoint). Why are these people sitting idle with the engine running for hours (I am Paying for that!!!!) during the many times I am sitting in the back seat, the car is as cold as the shoulder I get when I ask bay area editors to give me a column.

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT

My public officials get free health care. Well, not free - I am paying for it. You bitches need to go on diets. Start eating right. And exercise. Jog to work if you have to. Cut the pork out of your budget. Trans fat. The list goes on and on really… do you really need me to tell you which of you people have fat asses? You know who you are.

If just a couple of these things are done, we will not have to cut out municipal services that this community so desperately needs. Our libraries need books, our schools need to have windows that aren’t broken, and our educators need tools, not ultimatums. Just a thought.

I could be wrong; I was only a c student.

Greetings sticks of fire readers. My name is Jerry Nixon and I am a malcontent.

I was raised in Connecticut and spent a great many of my formative years touring Mark Twain’s house and I must say I am equally disgusted with the things going on in the political and social realm of my time as he was in his.

I plan on writing about local and national politics and anything else that I find absurd - with an odd Jerry Nixon twist. Hopefully you will enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing.