10,000 B.C.
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Starring Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis
Rated PG-13 (violence) 110 minutes
Critic’s rating: C-
It’s tough to take cavemen seriously. In media, at least, prehistoric humans tend to come off as buffoons (Ringo Starr in “Caveman”), anachronisms (the Geico TV commercial guys) or expressionless bores (Daryl Hannah in “Clan of the Cave Bear”). Either way, the results are laughable if not always pleasant.
This week, the laugh is on filmmaker Roland Emmerich. Never known for directorial subtlety (see “Independence Day,” “Godzilla” or “The Day After Tomorrow”), Emmerich grinds primitive tribalism into soggy muck with “10,000 B.C.,” an aimless adventure that blunders between tedious treks and accidental hilarity. I mean, who knew that Europe’s earliest inhabitants had to dodge, among other perils, gigantic birdlike predators? What was that CGI critter, a Turkeysaurus?
Well, it’s not supposed to be scientific. Neither an evolutionist nor a creationist could buy into this solemn yet silly story about a dreadlocked dude (Steven Strait) whose brethren mock him because his father abandoned the tribe many years earlier. But when he more-or-less accidentally kills a woolly mammoth — in a vivid display of computer-generated hairiness and hugeness — he becomes a hero and gets to claim the prettiest, bluest-eyed babe in northern Europe (Camilla Belle).
This little triumph is short-lived, of course. Fierce invaders — called “four-legged demons” because they ride horses — conquer the hunting village and haul the residents toward lives of slavery.
Of course, that’s the kickoff for a dreary trek enlivened by occasional action sequences. The plot approximates the path of Mel Gibson’s under-appreciated jungle thriller “Apocalypto,” in which a young warrior also had to prove himself by using wits, luck and a bit of mystic magic to effect a miraculous rescue. The differences between the two movies are telling. Gibson’s tribesmen spoke an ancient tongue. Emmerich’s characters speak English — except for the villainous raiders, who speak subtitled Ice Age gibberish. And, more importantly, Gibson didn’t water down his narrative with long-winded metaphoric expositions. Omar Sharif reads the ponderous narration, its self-importance maddeningly inflated by an even more heavy-handed score.
As if to match the sprawling landscapes and blunt storytelling, the human cast members seemed determined to come off as equally wooden. Americans Strait and Belle kept their game faces on during filming in New Zealand. Kiwi star Cliff Curtis, who plays the hero’s courageous mentor, is the movie’s most notable player — the one who finds the dash of real emotion buried within a cliche-bound script.
The film’s most glaring oddities, strangely enough, are not the crazy animals. The saber-tooth tiger in the ads makes a brief but satisfying appearance. He seems downright logical compared to the geography of this overlong pursuit. Somehow, the good guys chase the kidnappers from what looks like Scandinavia to what is obviously the ancient Egyptian empire. It’s a massive CGI construction, one of the film’s visual highlights. But again, the bedraggled humans have a hard time making us care whether they can save their clan from permanent pyramid duty.
“10,000 B.C.” scatters just enough action and effects along its path to keep an audience awake, but there’s nothing new here that demands keen attention.
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